The Quandary

These days are passing along in a trespassing like daydream. I feel not at all in control of everything happening around me. Things, both living and non-living, seem to have assumed a posture of undignified absence. I look about and everything changes to the shape of a large middle finger. I look depressed, but no one's watching. I go to my job. I have hardly any idea what I do there. I come home, there's no one waiting. When I'm drunk, I feel I'm someone else. There is an urge to undo all; but confrontation with the urge releases a frightening thin line of fear, which silences me for a while. Nothing seems clear. When it rains I'm afraid I would drown in 2cm deep water. Does fear needs an excuse too?
Last night I met a psychologist. Not formally, he was just a friend. I told him whatever could be compressed inside the areas of language. He managed to look intelligent, but said he couldn't help in any way at all. I was reading a book, 10 hours later, when a perpetual deja vu took me into a state of mind I have had hard time coming to grips with. What state am I in?
I don't have answers. I'm numb.

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